The reason that I wanted to write about the anger most woman have after finally getting free from domestic abuse and violence of any kind is because as many of you know, if you can’t move past the anger you will never be truly happy, you will end up attracting the same type of abuse into your life again.
I am not a trained therapist or a Ms. Know it all, I am just a lady that lived through some of what you did, a woman that vividly remembers the anger and anxiety attacks I had after the abuse ended, feeling as though I was being abused all over again by a silent attacker.
I would never tell anyone dealing with the aftermath of abuse to “Get over it.” Those are words of stupidity from someone that doesn’t know any better. When many women hear those words they become angry at that person, don’t be angry at them, they have never walked in your shoes, I have.
For the life of me I can’t imagine telling anyone to get over it about really anything. Okay, maybe a stubbed toe or a bounced check, but not about being verbally, physically and mentally tormented, most times for years and years all while being isolated from family and friends.
My first piece of advice: Immediately stop worrying about what others think. This really applies to anyone in life, but especially if you have been abused.
If someone in your immediate circle of support isn’t supporting you, I don’t care if it is your mother, sister or whoever, don’t feel that if you share with them they will eventually understand and stop blaming you or telling to just move one, most likely they never will.
Move on, don’t allow the negativity of another into your life, don’t talk to them about this at all.
Trying to convince someone to understand how you feel and what you went through will just make your recovery worse. They are not worth your time, you are.
Not everyone will understand and support you so find those that will. Check into Therapy, real life support groups, on-line support groups, sites like this one. Not one woman that comments here would ever think of telling you to get over it because we have been there. Women on both sites are in different stages of abuse and recovery.
While I mostly coach women that have been touched by abuse because I am honest and tell it like it is , some of my advice can support you as well. It doesn’t matter what has happened in your past, for most of us, it has left us with some memories we need to move on from but ones that will not seem to let us go.
ReBeccaBurns.com has been a labor of love to help develop and empower women of all ages to stand in their power and live life on their terms.
I encourage you to follow this blog or this post and always be mindful, while I never email readers directly, my every move was watched and I learned to call a random number after calling a hotline as I knew he would check and hit redial if I had been on the phone.
If you have car trouble you go to a mechanic, belly ache doctor, dealing with the aftermath of abuse, another abuse victim that was able to recover and live life to the fullest.
Below is a portion of the email I sent to a reader that was upset her mother was telling her to “Get over it!”
First, I just have to say you should be so proud you found the strength to leave at all, many don’t. You already stated most of the reasons you are so angry and they all come down to you. You let this man in your life, you stayed with him and had kids, you blah, blah, blah. When you close your eyes at night it is the woman laying alone in the dark with you that you hate the most.
It is normal to have such regret and guilt. The guilt and hatred at myself was the last thing to go. I hung onto that the longest. Even forgave him before I forgave me.
This is just my take on things, but as far as your family goes, the hell with them. If they can’t support you now when you most need it most, don’t waste your much needed strength on trying to convince them of a thing. You don’t owe anyone, anything. Find support with me, your therapy, message boards on here and off line groups.
Your friends are the ones that will be there for you. I suffered alone for so long that opening up was really hard for me. I had met two supportive gals that insisted I talk and boy did I. I was the one that had minimized so much of what happened that when I would see there shocked faces at things I said I really realized how bad things were. I even made my therapist cry a few times. That was when I realized I was burying so much pain.
You have hidden so much for so long that being allowed to talk will seem odd at first, then weight lifting.
The best way to move on (I never say get over it) is to write in a journal, read books that will help you heal, stay in therapy and only concern yourself with the health and healing of those that matter, You and your daughter. You have been through hell and back and I promise if you worry about everyone else you will never heal. I am sure that you have been or will be labeled with PTSD, Post traumatic stress disorder, realize that is what men and women at war come home with. You have been living in your own war and now you have to deal with the battle scars.
Treat yourself like you would a best friend. Listen, never minimize and be kind. When you get angry at yourself think, would I do this to a friend?
I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take you down the road five years to see how far you have come but I can’t. Just imagine a day far from the pain you are in now.
It is normal to be so angry too. Accept the anger, it wants to be heard! If you ignore it and don’t deal with it, it will get worse and worse and you will blow up. Find a way to get the anger out.
Kick boxing is great, or do something physical. Not only do you get to be angry but you work up a good sweat. Anytime you start to think of that awful husband, or family that doesn’t listen immediately replace it with, “What is something that I really want to be doing now?” Then do it.
Don’t allow yourself more than a few minutes to dwell on people and things that you can’t change. I would count to ten and then force myself to change what I was thinking of. Sounds really simple and silly but after a while it was normal and easy.
I went through so much of what you are dealing with now, anger, feeling alone, my son and I in therapy, depression and most of all my own guilt. After all I am the mother and should protect my son from evil people, not leave them with them.
The best gift that you can give yourself and your daughter is your health and healing. To remove the guilt that you have about how you lived shows your daughter how to move on from it by taking the time to be angry and to move through the stages. She will go through much of the pain that you are. It is like taking the time to grieve a death, in a sense you are. A brutal death.
Be angry, then cry and be sad, then get angry some more, than feel guilty, then cry some more and the days will stack on top of another and one day you won’t be as angry and the guilt will start to fade and you will realize that you are smiling just because the sun is out and that you aren’t having horrible nightmares as often.
I promise, if you keep the focus on taking care of what is important like you and your daughter, forgetting everyone else, you will make it out of the darkness. Sad that often people, outsiders feel bad and want to get women out of abuse but many don’t realize that the aftermath can be just as damaging.
You are not alone, I will support you the best that I can and you will find the right people to support you in your daily life too. Really open up in counseling, it will free your soul to let some of this hurt go. Don’t hang onto it, it will keep you living in this violent self inflicted prison.
You are worth more than this world has shown you. Taking the courage to write a stranger as you have shows that. I hope to hear from you again. Take one day at a time and focus on what needs to be done for that day. Life will get overwhelming and you will breakdown, the trick is getting back up each time.
If you are still reading, still struggling on what to do next, I would suggest reading some great self help books, the one I really enjoyed and read 3 times is Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters.” It will help you realize that your family won’t always be there and how to really dig deep to move past the issues you are having now.
This site and goggle are your friends, just type in the keywords you are dealing with and you will find many resources to help you.
When I started this journey over 20 years ago it was harder to find support, that is not the case today. If I am not our cup of tea, I promise you there is something out there to help you. My goal, to send you in the direction of your healing and the life you deserve to live.
If you struggle with anxiety attacks, which most do these days, check out the following resource to help you cope, it took me years to learn how to deal with mine, but these days, there is a resource for everything.
Love & Peace,